2012

Of course what springs to mind are the many sights and sounds that are forever in our memories of Christmas.  The spectacle of brilliantly sparkling lights outline many of the classic Christmas symbols which dance through usually dark neighborhoods. Santa and reindeer and Christmas trees abound. Hearing the voices of Christmas carolers on our front doorstep, where people come together to make their own music shared door to door with neighbors on a chilly night, may be a thing of the past. However, today Christmas music echoes through the speakers of retail stores and restaurants beginning on Thanksgiving Day.

“What is Christmas?” if not good wishes and gifts. Festive parties with coworkers, family and friends all mark the weeks before December 25^th. Everywhere we look we see the green and red colors symbolic of Christmas. Churches fill to overflowing with longtime parishioners and visitors for the Christmas services. Joyous church sanctuaries are bursting with bright red poinsettias and surrounded by jubilant choir members leading the congregation in song.

“What is Christmas?” The cynic might say, “What’s it all for?”

“What is Christmas?” I believe it is a time of year when we draw closer to God. When we remember how God drew closer to us by sending his son to be with us here on Earth.  Woven into each bow atop a gift, each mixing of dough for cookies, each star at the pinnacle of each Christmas tree is the love we have in our hearts. That joyous infinitely flowing love is expressed through all of our actions in this Christmas season. We marvel at how happy we feel and how sweet these moments are in our memories. Yet it is here all year long quietly living side by side with us. Waiting for us to turn and notice it; say hello, hold its hand, visit with it without expectation of anything in return but the warmth of its embrace.

To answer the cynic “What’s it all for?”; “I don’t know”, is my reply. If he is looking for it to be something he can touch and see in solid form, I don’t know about that.  If he wants it to be something he can test and be sure is really there, I don’t know about that either. Maybe for him it is nothing but the empty façade of lights and candy and colors. I don’t know.

But for me, “What is Christmas?” It is the belief that the love of God, toward which we turn, notice and celebrate in this season, is a love that is with us for eternity. It is ever present, flowing through us here and now and always. It is flowing in all directions of our glorious universe wherever all the loved ones are. Maybe our loved ones are right here in our homes, or overseas in a war, or expectantly in the womb of their mother, or even passed on to the next world. Wherever they are, we are joined together with the love of the Lord.

So in the end “What is Christmas?”….. A reminder of this love.

Merry Christmas !

Hello Mom & Dad,

Freddy had a problem with a  bladder stone which had to be removed. Today he had bladder surgery. He is now home and very wiped out. For the next few days he will take it easy and recover. Therefore, we have cancelled all of his celebrity appearances. Because “the rags” or “the bible” (depending on your point of view) will more than likely pick up the story, I want you to have the real truth directly from me. Freddy did not, I repeat did not, have plastic surgery of any kind. The stories about a tummy tuck and eyelid lift are just malicious lies started by jealous haters. As you know Freddy is a very very attractive dog. We all know how that sort of thing is both a blessing and a burden.

Freddy asked me to let all the little people know that he loves them and would not let down any of his fans by destroying his natural good looks with cheap plastic surgery procedures of any kind. Of course expensive plastic surgery is a different story. He will hit you up for a loan if that ever becomes necessary.

Have a great evening!

Others might say that the comment, being the more creative freestyle part, requires the most intelligence in this process. They would be decidedly mistaken. The hard part is reading, deciphering and then retyping the security words. Never having been a user of hallucinogenic drugs, the swirly letters shaping the security words are totally alien to me. I write my pithy comment, quite pleased with myself, only to be completely stymied by the Defcon 3 Security measures it takes to allow this very dangerous communication to go through the blogosphere.

So I soldier on. Must just be a tough one. I see cat. I mean who doesn’t, but “digrifted”. What the heck? I go through 10, yes 10, attempts at the random visual clues. Okay, maybe I need to read the directions. I am sure I am simply misunderstanding some very obvious point, like maybe how to read. I wonder if this will affect my ability to read the directions, but I give it a try. The help box very helpfully indicates that you should guess the word if you don’t know it. Oh, very helpful. So back to “digrifted” with my new guessing technique. Perhaps the past tense of digging a rift, as in a narrow fissure in a rock. What would that be “cracked”? No. Or how about rifted as in a break in friendly relations, like boy I really rifted it with my BFF yesterday when I said “Are you sure those are capris or are you having trouble using the temperature cycle on your washing machine again? Remember H is for Hot not for Homely.” Either way I think we can all agree capris aren’t really all that flattering even for the “H-ist” as in hottest lady. Also a no. So what to do?

I know. I will try the auditory clues. Much simpler. Yes, it is, if you are used to listening to Soviet spies speaking Russian in a crowded bar with Madonna pumped in for ambiance while trying to hear the whisper of six words from Shakespeare spoken by an eighty year old lady seated with her back to you in a booth near the ladies room. Needless to say after repeated attempts to hear and understand the six whispered words, I give up. Discouraged, I look up to see that mysteriously my comment had actually posted a couple of times. To be accurate the exact same post had posted exactly seven times. So now everyone knows that I can in fact get past Defcon 3 Security. Plus I confirmed this seven times just to make my point. I am sure that does not make me seem weird at all. And I am certain that the author of this blog is thrilled to have such an enthusiastic reader of the blog. Someone is out there.

“Peace be within your walls and security within your towers!”  Psalm 122:7

I pull my car into a parking space outside the auto parts store, ignoring the empty stares of the seedy looking men standing in front of the Awakenings Counseling Center (the local methadone clinic) which shares the same lot with Salvo Auto parts store. The scruffy and aimless appearance of this loitering group of lollygaggers reminds me to put up my guard now that I am in the big city of Timonium. I venture on. Nothing will stop me now except my complete lack of knowledge of where in the store to find said wiper blade.

After wandering around for a few minutes trying to look purposeful, I stumble across the wiper blade aisle. Yep that’s right, a whole aisle. Somebody else must agree with my “safety twenty-first” philosophy. Triumphantly I begin to peruse the many options. Out of nowhere at my elbow appears a smiling young black man who asks me what my name is. I respond as every cynical middle aged white woman would in a moment like this. I say ”Why?”. Needless to say, “Who wants to know?” could be substituted here equally effectively.  Having developed immunity to thinly veiled disrespect of this sort, the young black man smiled and calmly said “just tell me your name”. My toughness actually composed of only the most flimsy façade; I don’t hesitate even a second before I say simply “Evelyn”. (No last name as I wasn’t born yesterday you know) At this point the would-be-stalker kindly returns my Discover card which I had carelessly dropped somewhere on the floor of the store while I zeroed in on my wiper blade search.

Simultaneously laughing, apologizing, and thanking him I noticed the aforementioned “would be-stalker’s” black sweatshirt (usually a dead giveaway of the criminal element) actually had the words ‘Salvo Auto parts’ emblazoned on it in surprisingly large yellow letters. I said to myself “Boy I really am a great multi-tasker to notice this”. However, hindsight being twenty-twenty, that might have been an earlier clue that this “would-be-stalker” was actually a nice store employee. I now pass this tip on to you; although keep in mind, uniforms can be faked. Well maybe not in the same store that the uniform is advertising, but criminals are clever and apparently I am not.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, 
and he will make your paths straight.”     Proverbs 3:5-6

I always like to start off my first meeting with a new doctor with a real riddler of a problem to see what they will do. You know, to test their mettle so to speak. This way I get a preview of how they will behave in the unlikely event that I become actually ill. I like to be prepared. Maybe I won’t like their style. What if their outfits are ugly? Or even worse what if their hair isn’t cute? I find it best to know now and cut my losses while I am still strong and healthy rather than wait until I am weak and sick. Who wants to find a new doctor then, much too tiring.

Plus I like to catch them off guard with a little unexpected nudity. That is always a great icebreaker. You should try it. Just pick the most personal body part you have and ask them to take a close look at it.  As you may recall I have used this in the past. Remember the shingles on my breast with my first visit to Dr. Marvin Goldman? That was a good one. Little advice though, only do this once per doctor. You don’t want to do this repeatedly as you might appear to be a nut rather than the informed consumer that you truly are.

To this end as I was showering this morning I was reminded of this lump I have in my groin. Yep it is still there I happily note to myself. How handy. I decide to have the doctor “take a look at it” during my yearly physical.

To make a long story short, all goes well at my appointment. Blood pressure good, temperature normal, breathe in and out etc, etc. I am fully clothed sitting on the exam table as she peppers me with questions about my health. She nods without expression at most of what I am saying; probably disappointed by my healthy responses. No doctor fun there. Next is the how old are you question. Well actually date of birth. After my stated birth date she says, ” Oh 50, you win the prize of a colonoscopy.” Being busy with my checklist I hardly notice and sort of ignore her. Check off box: Good at Math

Now she says “Can you show me this lump by just pulling down your pants or do you need to take them off?” So you see this is not her first time at the rodeo. Of course I reply, “I need to take them off”. Remember a little nudity never really replaces total nudity so don’t fall for this one. She hands me a sheet and steps outside while I disrobe. Check off box: Can be Stealthy

Upon her return she dons gloves and begins the surprisingly unsuccessful search for my lump. She says, “ I can’t see it. Can you show me where it is?” Ugh this is not working out so great.  I say, “Well let me try” and I hop off the table, dragging my sheet with me to try to find it myself. I sashay around trying to replicate my shower stance of this morning, which is not that easy to do in the small confines of an exam room while simultaneously holding the modesty sheet around my lower half all the while under the persistent gaze of a medical professional. So after futilely searching around downtown myself for a moment or two I had to concede defeat. “Okay maybe it’s gone”, I lamely say.  Although, “How the hell did that happen?” I think, as it was just there this morning. Check off box: Can Perform Miracle Cures

“If we can’t find it that’s probably good”, she says happily. Wow, nothing bothers her. Check off box: Can Tolerate Inane Behavior.

“Let’s just watch it and if it gets bigger, let me know”, she adds. Hmm this seems a little strange, but okay. Check off box: Optomistic Prognostician.

In conclusion, she cheerfully says to me, “Well at this point it is all about prevention. Don’t smoke, drink only moderately, wear a seatbelt and have a colonoscopy”. Jeesh again with the colonoscopy. And anyway couldn’t I have gotten these sage medical words from reading “Women’s Day” with all my clothes in place in my comfortable home?

Everybody wants to sell the colonoscopy. First my husband’s doctor, then my brother’s doctor who even recruits out-of-town family patients, now my doctor. I swear they must be earning frequent flyer points for every colonoscopy referral. By the gleam in her eye as she handed me the referral information, I deduced that she may be just one patient away from a trip to Bermuda. In fairness to her, I have heard the beaches there are to die for.  Check off box: Can be Bought

By the way, I currently have a cold and not one word is mentioned by her about that. I guess Sudafed has dropped their “Dollar Bills for our Pills” program.  Check off box: Easily Distracted

“A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health.”    Proverbs 15:30

I believe that laughter brings lightness to life. So if you are someone looking to lighten your mood, maybe this blog will be helpful to you.

I was thinking of describing myself here, but maybe it’s best for you get to know me on your own rather than be swayed by me. I  remain anonymous in case everyone who comes to this site finds it to be lame. So I suppose that anonymity in itself kind of limits my introduction. Also I don’t want to ruin my reputation. Not that I currently have one, but truly I am not quite sure I even want to develop one. So I remain elusive. Think of me as mist. Not the kind that will frizz your hair. Ugh. More like the fancy spray bottle kind that will leave your skin looking younger and more supple. My hope is that laughter will not make lines, but erase lines on your face and in your life. See, I plan to be poetic too. We’ll see. Or at least I will, since you don’t know me and so will have no way of evaluating my wrinkly skin.

Just a note. My humor is simply intended to be funny, which means it may not always be a true representation of my actual views….just my own “intended to be funny” version of my life. So please don’t take offense at stereotypes, etc. I mean harm to none and love to all.

“The joy of the Lord is your strength.”  Nehemiah 8:10